| This blog is for extreme feelings...outside of monthly updates. Either something really wonderful has happened, something excited me, or in all likelyhood, something really pissed me off. Nothing here will be censored, whitewashed, or sugar coated. This is how I feel.
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005 - :
Life is improving.
Though the mono caused my spleen and liver to enlarge a few weekends back, it forced me to lie flat for 2 days straight; a definite upside. Since then it has been intermitten and I'm ok with that.
Regardless, I gave a good reference to a business that called looking to employ this friend. Doesn't make me feel any better.
All in all, I've done some things in my short 20 years that I never planned on. However, I am proud of what I have, no matter how little it may seem to others. I'm proud of my family. No matter how much we swear, fight, bitch, moan, etc. we stick together. No matter what. That's important to me.
I'm proud of my future husband and the family I will be a part of. He works hard, he's humble, he's happy without being contented. He's my tallest tree and we still have every bit of passion and love we had this time last year, with only more to come. That's something I'm very proud of. No matter how we came about or where we lived, we don't have a child out of wedlock, we aren't riding on anyone's backs, we don't ask for money, we don't take charity, we still have fun. We're getting married. We're in this together, for life.
I'm proud of my puppy. She's filled a hole in my heart and in our home. She's a royal pain in the ass, but she's beautiful and the good outweighs the bad.
I'm proud of my home and the fact that my future husband comes home to a clean house and dinner that he can feel good about.
My heart still aches for a friendship lost. It's really quite difficult to put into words what I'm feeling....and that's rare for me! I feel guilt for I know it was mostly my fault. I feel dispair for not being able to reach her. I feel frustration for not knowing what to do and not being able to explain my position to a point where even I understand it. I am hurt because I know that I have hurt someone close to me and the eyes that once looked upon me will never feel whatever trust we once had. I feel anger for not being able to achieve forgivness. I feel hurt for the lack of feeling coming from the opposite end. I feel spite. I feel helpless because I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
All in all, I'm doing ok.
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We're headed out to Brunswick, MD this weekend for Bry's cousin Ben's Graduation. It'll be nice to get out of the state and I welcome the time away.
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