| This blog is for extreme feelings...outside of monthly updates. Either something really wonderful has happened, something excited me, or in all likelyhood, something really pissed me off. Nothing here will be censored, whitewashed, or sugar coated. This is how I feel.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - :
Bryon has called me from a locker in his bunk the past two nights. That's right, stuffed inside a locker with a cell phone...that's my boy! :) I miss him like crazy, but just talking to him makes me feel soo much better. Almost tranquil actually. He's started a craze with this wall-locker deal. Apparently now he and the guys take 15 minute turns in the locker!
Basically, he's sick of the shit. He wants to get out and move on. He's sick of being dicked around, yelled at, and doing PT every other morning FOR NOTHING. I don't blame him at all.
We got our pictures back from Wal-Mart and I've been handing them out this week. They look alright. I sent some to him in wallet sizes.
He ships to Bravo today. Out-processing begins tomorrow as he doesn't leave until tonight. Once he gets settled in there they give him an approximate date of when he'll be coming home. Something like March 15-20. I'll also get an address to send him letters to. He's written one to me everyday, sometimes 2! I'm going to inform my bosses that I will call off the day that he gives me that call that he's at MEPS. Then we're going to make the drive back up to Syracuse to rescue him from the god-damned government.
He cannot try for any other branch with his neutral discharge. Sleep-walking is automatic discharge from military service.......PERIOD.
He's doing alright. He wants to come home. I want him here. I want to be able to hold his hands in mine, to see him giggle and laugh, and to hold him through the nights. I just want him sitting next to me, is that too much to ask?
I finished 4 more pages of the scrapbook last night...working along. Also finished Naked in Death by JD Robb. Working on Ellen's book now. Once I'm done with that I'm diving into the Death series. Also played 2 or 3 hours of Zelda...ahh, I love having the night off!
Also have to get ready for his return and our one year mark! March 21st!
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Friday, February 20, 2004
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Bryon called his mom at 1 pm yesterday. The 3 times he called me he knew nothing yet. She called the Red Cross to find out exactly wtf was going on, and then he called her with the news.
He leaves for Out Processing Tuesday. Then it will take anywhere from 2 weeks to 30 days.....
The God damned Government crushed his dreams. And now we have to pick up the pieces and start over.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
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Out processing will take 2-6 weeks.
I had to be the one to tell his mother this.
He's in with a doctor now...they are determining whether or not he is fit to do this. If they yes, he starts training next Monday. If they say no he has 30 days of out processing and he comes home.
I'll be sitting by the telephone just waiting for it to ring all day...every time it does my heart goes into speed demon mode....and every time it's not him I sink a little deeper in my chair.
Someone please tell me how to deal with this.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
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Just think of this as a great big track meet, lasting 9 weeks long. Right now you have 2 days under your belt. That’s almost a week down! The winners circle is where I’ll be standing, with arms wide open waiting for you.
I love you more than anything in the world, but I need you to do this. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. DO IT FOR US. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and this is going to make us or break us. Please, don’t let it break us. You don’t want to come home. No matter what people say, you will think that they look to you and say “failure”. I don’t want you to feel that. Please. Please just sleep, eat, go to church on Sunday and escape, and do what you must to keep this alive.
When I heard that you called, I broke down into tears. I’m so sorry that you are miserable. I hate this! But on the same hand, I want you to succeed so badly. I want you home, but I want you there. I just want you to be alright. Just be alright, please? For me. Just be ok.
In a few weeks you’ll be calling me every Sunday. Call me at Wegman’s, they have no problem with it.
Please hang in there Bryon, please. You need to do this to prove it to yourself. If your father could do it, you sure as hell can. And you know that. Just believe it.
You’re homesick, and that’s making you sick. Just don’t think about coming home, because it won’t happen. We found that out for a fact. You can’t come home. At least not until you get through this and then I will be with you and you will have won.
Letters will help you. Write to me, it will be just like talking to me. I’ve written four thus far and it has helped me immensely. I know once you start to receive them you’ll feel better.
I have asked Grammy to watch over you and protect you. No harm will come to you, just get through this. Just do this.
I miss you so much my heart aches. But I know this is for us, for the better, and we will be together soon. Remember that.
Jeff showed up today. Big mess with his family….I guess he moved out of his aunt’s house and is renting an apartment. His aunt made up stories and lied to us all day long yesterday. Anyway, he’s here, he didn’t quit, and we didn’t fire him.
Jake is taking pictures and stuff while he has the week off, and he’s doing pretty good!
Dad said he really missed you yesterday. He was saying how he needed to hire a man, someone who could do what he asked. Chad was like “You want another Bry-Bry” and dad said “No, I don’t want another Bry-Bry, I want Bry-Bry!”. J Damn we all miss you!
You might be a Redneck if….
February 13th – You have a bug light in your house.
February 14th – Your dream home is stuck in traffic
February 16th – You didn’t know you were cross-eyed until you joined the army
February 17th – The most expensive meal you ever bought came with a moist towelette
Mom and Dad bought me a new daybed, made of wood this time, so no more squeaking! ;)
I miss you more and more all the time, but I keep my countdown up and running, spend lots of time at Wegman’s and on the message board, and whenever it gets really bad, I write to you. I think about you being mistreated down there and it breaks my heart. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of this and I hope that even if it’s only sometimes, you are having fun. I know you will do an incredible job; you were made for this. And if all else fails, just remember you are getting paid to be yelled at this time around. I can’t wait to hear from you…
Shauna’s husband says that after the first few weeks you are allowed to call home. GO TO CHURCH. I know we’re not religious, but go. There are no drill sgts at church, no one to yell at you. Just go, please, for me. It will make me feel better to know that you are getting a break every now and then.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
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This weekend was her and Matt’s 6 Month Anniversary and Valentine’s Day. Matt had never once been up to see her at college. He had never made the drive. She asked him a few weeks ago to do her the favor and make the drive up to see her and spend time with her. She just wanted him to see her world. She asked him and asked him what they were doing for V-Day or their 6 month anniversary. Each time he said “I don’t know”. He never made any plans for either occasion. She ended up coming down here. She was fairly pissed off Friday night. I told her that he may have been planning something too huge for words and maybe it was supposed to be a huge surprise. I hope he did something for her. Damn….I told her again about our 6 months and how incredible you made it for me. Brent dated Matt’s sister a while back and said that Matt is just……..weird. He comes off as weird to me and there has always been something about him that I just don’t like, and still, I can’t put my finger on it.
Saturday I brought in the box of chocolates for Brent. He spazzed, it was great. He said he thought he wasn’t going to get anything yesterday and was very happy. Everyone in the deli got a big kick out of it. Except Ethel, she made a big deal about how I bought him chocolates on such a romantic day. Damn, that pissed me off. Especially since she’s pushing 40, not to mention pushing pant size 22, and she CONSTANTLY flirts with Brent and she thinks no one notices when EVERYONE does. She also said something about making sure I really do want to marry you before I do. That pushed me over the edge, I’ve been ignoring her since. And believe me Bryon, I want you, and only you, forever. I can’t wait to become your wife.
So last night (Saturday, V-Day) I went home after work, showered and got dressed. I wore the brown stuff, and I thought of you. I went back to Wegmans a little early and took my portfolio. Jason, the Spanish guy that works in Frozen and the deli sometimes is getting married in July and he needed a photographer. So I had him look at my stuff and take it home to Shannon.
Sara called and said she was running a little behind and so I waited outside the deli. Amanda was working with Melissa (the one who talks constantly). Amanda heard about how Sara called and made a big deal out of it, saying Sara was late all the time and never did anything on time. It kind of pissed me off that she said that because she and Sara hang out and Sara is nothing but nice to her. I told Sara about it and she figures that Amanda is pissed off because Sarah (me) and Sara are hanging out instead of her. Stupid, right?
I e-mailed Amanda when I got to the office after dropping you at the mall. I told her I knew a guy who would like to date her and was wondering if she would want to meet him. She didn’t even fucking reply. Nothing, no comment at work, no e-mail response, nothing. She told Brenda about it and Brenda told me that she was like “What kind of guy doesn’t have a date?”. All the rest of us at the deli were like…….uhh, Amanda, YOU don’t have a date either. But anyway, so nothing goes with the Ken and Amanda situation. And I haven’t spoken to her about it. If she wants to live her life alone and fuck random married men, let it be. Fuck her.
So anyway, Sara and I went to the Olive Garden and got there at about 5:15. The host said the wait would be an hour and fifteen minutes. The place was packed and tons of people were waiting. Chad and Nancy showed up and got their name in at around 5:30. We stood in that lobby for 2 ½ hours! It wasn’t too bad, it made dinner REALLY good as we were both starving. We made friends and had fun in the lobby too. It was like waiting for Disney world, it was so jam packed, like Sardines! I had Chicken and Brocolli with pasta and alfredo sauce. It was excellent. We had Bruschetta for an appetizer.
We talked through the entire meal, and then some. She had never been to Soul Full Cup, so I took her there and she loved it. Ordered my usual Decaf Skinny Latte with SugarFree Caramel. Guess what? Sara is going on South Beach too! Isn’t that awesome?
Through all of the talking it turns out that we have so much in common. We were both extremely close to our grandmothers and believe that they are our guardian angels. We both believe in ghosts and such. Lee’s father used to beat up his mother, and his mother would in turn beat Lee as a child, so they go through the same issues with the past as we do. That really made me feel much more comfortable with her for some reason. I just felt that she could understand. She was raped when she and Lee first started dating….the whole thing with Ryan and the almost-rape. We both love Arbor Mist and we drank a gallon together that night. We had rented movies but never saw them, we just talked and listened to music until 2:30 am. Then we went to bed and I went in at 9:30, she at 10.
She has a chubby black pug named Rocky. He is adorable and incredibly sweet. Makes me want one!
Chad is watching that Japanese MXC thing. Damn it all, there’s no escaping it!
One of the topics that came up in conversation at dinner was college and the future. Every day I long more and more to be with you, always, to be your wife. And I know that “"Girlfriends are a hobby........a wife is a full time job!"”…..;) And I think that I could settle for being a stay-at-home mom just to be with you. At the same time, I want to show to you that I can take the bull by the horns and be my own person. I want to work, but I want to be with you. I guess I should focus on college, but part of me wants to skip college all together! But no, college is my way to go right now....
I ran into Josh at Wal-Mart a few weeks back and talked to him for a few minutes. He called me the other day and wants to record my voice reading a few lines from Romeo and Juliet for his drag show. I guess I will. I don’t know.
I got the photography job to do Jason and Shannon’s wedding July 9th! Wooo hooo!
Monday, February 09, 2004
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Saturday was our valentine's day and it was in every way...perfect. I wanted to do something special for him and he told me he didn't want anything given to him that he couldn't take with him to basic. I figured the only thing that he could take was memories. He also said that he wanted me to plan the entire day. Now, this is was to be his last time "out" with me before he leaves. There was no way I was going to make all of the plans. So I found another way....
I went to Wal-Mart and got a box of valentine's (spongebob) and a few valentine boxes. Then I wrote down a list of places to eat and wrote each place on a valentine and placed them in a box marked food. Another box was full of things to do, like ice-skating, movie, bowling, etc. Another box was full of "love" valentines that allowed for extra kisses and hugs. Finally I made a few Valentines for prizes. Some of the prizes were candy, some were coupons for certain "favors" hehehe......Regardless, I had made the day a game. Anytime he needed to make a decision, he made it.
The day was beautiful. I awoke around 9, got dressed (meticulously picked and approved outfit), had little sister do the eyebrows and makeup....the usual. I went to pick him up (his cars still dead) at his house and an exact image from our first anniversary, there sat a beautiful soft teddy bear with a card on the dining room table.
We went to Applebee's for lunch, picked up pictures and some film at Wal-mart (to save memories), went to the deli to say goodbye, ice skating, soul full cup, got a ticket for running a red light, dinner, wal-mart again, and then to Return of the King for the second time. We went home where he received a full body massage and a few other favors. We turned the lights back on to eat healthy choice PB cup ice cream together. Then we slept in each other's arms yet again.
Yesterday I went to work in the morning, returned to his house and went to dinner at his grandmothers. We spent 4 hours laughing and talking and then went home. He hung curtains from the ceiling, lit candles, and put on "The Most Romantic Classical in the Universe" :). Again, in each other's arms we found solace. He chose to turn in his "Hot Fantasy" coupon that night......his fantasy was to give me exactly what I needed. A night without responsiblities, without time, without obligation. He decided strip poker, erotic dice, and a few other games by candlelight would do the trick. He also unplugged all the clocks. We finished the night with chocolate and old letters and pictures. We were late to work this morning, but it was worth it.
His recruiter was called just a few minutes ago. He leaves tomorrow at 3pm. That's 26 hours away. He'll be gone for 65 days. In some ways I'm ready, just because I know this will make or break us. In other ways, I don't ever want to let him go. I'll find peace in certain things. I'm starting a book of memories for him, there will be lots of work to do with mom quitting her job.....the business will have to thrive, and thrive well. I'll have my job at Wegman's. I'll find peace here, and on CT. I'll be ok, but damn....this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hanging on for dear life..............
Friday, February 06, 2004
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Worked with Brent at the deli last night, crazy as usual. Why is that whenever there is supposed to be a storm every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the county feels that they need 6 pounds of Virigina Baked Ham shaved in order to live through it? Oh well, good for business I guess. Went to Bryon's and held him until he slept, which is becoming increasingly difficult for him lately. It's funny, whenever you need to do something, it's that much harder to do it. I usually sing him to sleep, but my voice would not come. I finally whispered the words of our song and whispered a verse back to me, which brought us both to tears.
Have you ever noticed that when your heart is anticipating pain it heightens your senses. Kind of like blind people have incredible senses of hearing, touch and taste....Now that my heart knows he's leaving, each touch feels more, my fingers and skin are more sensitive....it's so odd...
Sara comes back to work next week, I look forward to both of us crying together.
He had his family pictures done last night. We had shots done together earlier and I get them back on the 19th.....I'll be sure to post them on Common Threads.
I'm doing ok today, tomorrow is our Valentine's Day and I hope to make it the best ever. After work at 9 tonight I'm going to prepare...bath, shave, hair, eyebrows, make-up (set up), clothes, everything. Plus the game...hehehehe, I'll fill you in on Sunday.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
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Last night I finally lost it. Sara, a good friend of mine who works at the deli with me, and her newly returned Marine husband came into work last night. I had never met him, but Sara and I talk about the boys constantly, so it was important that I put a face and voice to the name in my head. He had been doing recruiter's assistance for 2 weeks and he was still in uniform when they walked in. I asked him where he was going next....for Bryon (Army), it will be AIT after basic, but we all know the two branches have their subtle differences. So immediately I think he took me for a bit of an idiot.
Anyway, he tried to tell me that Bryon didn't have a job yet, which he does. And I know that Lee was only trying to prepare me for things, but I know how the military works, I was almost in it myself! I was never gauranteed a job, Bryon was. He impressed the shit out of those people up there and rightly so. He's never impressed much of anyone in his life, he needed that. I guess maybe if I had told Lee that there are only 11 spots a year for these guys and that he is already set to go to Arizona for 13 weeks after the 9 weeks of boot camp.
I don't know, I was just baffled I guess....I didn't expect someone to come in and stir up my feelings even more 6 days before I was never to see him! AHHHHHHH! ok...I'm ok. I guess I just wanted to be naive, just as long as I can be sane at the same time...
Anyway, after work I took an hour and cleaned my car. It's amazing what you have that you don't know about. 2 bags of clothes, a brand new pair of shoes and underwear, 6 dollars in change, a dollar bill, 2 dollars in bottles and cans and 6 bags of garbage! Yeah, I live out of my car.
Afterwards I turned in the cans at Wal-Mart and picked up a few things for Bryon's Valentine's day this Saturday....sensitive information which I can't expose here because he could be just around the corner watching.....;)
Now here's when I lose it: Driving home, listening to the radio, it's now about 11:30 pm. I'm doing ok, I guess. Start thinking about how it's now only 5 days away and how I am driving to a house and an empty bed 12 miles from him. No, fuck that. Damned if I'll be 12 miles from him while he's still within my reach.
I pulled into my drive, dropped off some bags, said hello to the dogs, and ran back out to the car. I drove over the hill like there was no tomorrow. When I got to his house the door was locked, so I had to fiddle with the hidden key to open it, all the while praying that his mother wouldn't be standing on the other side of the door with a shot gun. I got in the house, Dutchess (his St. Bernard) greeted me to quiet hello. I think she could sense that I was upset.
I expected to find him sleeping soundly as I walked up the stairs. I expected to crawl in and sleep unnoticed, but as I turned the corner, there he was, wide awake at midnight, playing video games (his only pass time). He couldn't sleep either. He looked at me kind of shocked, I dropped my clothes and buried myself in him on the bed. And cried like I've never cried before. He held me until we slept....
How in bloody hell am I going to make it through this?
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
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Last night was amazing. Actually, the past two nights have been amazing....amazingly perfect. We stayed at work Monday night until 3 am. We went home....slept in peace and woke up to a blissfully quiet morning alone in the house and a blizzard outdoors. I had to call off at Wegman's. We revelled in the day, loving each other, reading, video games (his alltime favorite pastime), and just fooling around. We ate dinner, took a nap, woke up and watch Mythbusters together. Then we went back to bed for 3 hours of simple pure love, the best it's ever been. While holding each other our song came on the radio and suddenly there we were, dancing naked in the dark but for the red blinking lights of the speakers, trying to soak each other in. Sleep came in each other's arms.
I've always hated the song, but I keep coming back to Time in a Bottle in my head.....
My family has been really good about this. Letting me sleep in, call off of work for snow (unheard of in NY), late to day job.
In case anyone doesn't know or chooses to care, I run an E-bay business fulltime. We are very........eclectic. I'd say we're doing very well out here. My life at work has turned into a phone call. Each day I acquire new clients with new items. A banjo from 1936 worth more than my house, $250,000 worth of a $800,000 clock collection....I'm amazed at what people collect.
I'm now off to lunch, and the rest of my day. Hope yours is well.